Like most people this time of year, I've been spending some time having an honest review of my life. it's been made all the more reflective tonight as Gill and I watched This Life +10 on BBC2. This Life was a series about a bunch of 20 something's and was big in the mid-1990's. Tonight's show was a one-off 10 year reunion special. Relationships, hopes, dreams, fears, failures, priorities and friendships were still the core themes.
As for my life, well I've realised that although things look great on the outside- great family, productive ministry, plenty of opportunity to 'do loads of things', all of this is actually a smokescreen for the fact that deep down I'm unsettled and recognise I have to make some major changes. I'm disappointed. Not with circumstances, or people, or God, but with myself. An honest appraisal tells me that I spent most of 2006 on autopilot and didn't really give much focus to keeping a strong relationship with God. My sabbatical in May stood out as a bright spot, but was a bit of an oasis in the wilderness.
Thankfully, Gill and I had some very good friends around for dinner last night and they gave us an opportunity to share from our hearts. Amongst loads of things we talked about, a few things really stood out. Although it's me I'm frustrated with, this affects Gill and we have to be in any future changes together. One of the consequences of me travelling so much is that Gill and I have learnt to be independent to a certain extent, and we've been reminded that we could be a lot closer spiritually and devotionally speaking. I used the image last night of an iceberg. The tip of my iceberg looks fine, but it's the big bit under the waterline that people don't see, and it could be in a lot better shape. In other words, I've been neglecting the foundations of a strong Christian life, and that can't go on.
2007 will bring with it some major changes in what I do and hopefully who I am. I know there are new challenges from the Lord on the horizon but I don't feel fully released for them quite yet. Gill and I also know that we can start making some small adjustments to improve the quality of what has always been a good relationship to make it a great one. We've committed to meet the same friends who helped us so much last night, every month to eat, talk, pray and read the Bible. We have much in common as individuals and as couples, and so we are excited about how this is going to develop. I ended 2006 feeling pretty despondent, drained, guilty, and frustrated, but already I begin to sense optimism, excitement and a healthy dose of God's grace.
hurray! that stuff is good to read. i think i'm seeing some similar stuff in my own life at the moment, beginning to see through a lot of smokescreens i put up so i don't have to deal with stuff. it's a good feeling to realise that God's taking a hold of me... i have no idea where it will lead, but when i get any inklings, i'll let you know. thanks for being supportive.
Posted by: becky | 01/11/2007 at 12:49 AM